Baby Cam's entrance in to this world:
My water broke at 2:30am on 2/2. I got up to go to the bathroom on the hour every hour, as I had been doing for the past month, and this time I didn't quite make it. Now I know that they say you can become incontinent during pregnancy (to much my pleasure, this was one thing I did not experience during my 9 months). Walking to the bathroom with one eye barely open (by this time, I knew my route to the bathroom with both of my eyes closed) I all of a sudden had the realization that I was not on the toilet and yet something wet was trickling down my legs. This was enough to wake my out of my slumber and call Rob who jumped out of bed and was convinced that I had peed my pants. After a little theorizing, we called the Dr. and he told us to come in, but to "take our time". I was able to take a shower and Rob ran around packing my bag... I think he was more nervous that I was! Bailey just sat and looked at us as if to say "what is going on, it is 2:30am and I am wondering why we aren't cuddled up in our bed". He then gave up and got back under the covers while we spent our last 30 min in our house, by ourselves, for the last time as we knew it.
After checking in to triage, confirming that yes, my water did break and yes, we were going to have a baby that day. We were told to walk around and come back in an hour to check in to our room, as my contractions were small at the time. We walked to Starbucks at 4am and I learned my first valuable lesson as a parent (or soon to be parent). Always, take the advice of the OB RN and take the "big" size pad... My white pants weren't exactly the right choice that morning....At least I gave the Starbucks baristas a story to take home....
Once checked in to my room.... the contractions started to come. I labored for about 2 hours before the epidural. A friend put it nicely for me.... "Why would you ride a horse to New York when you can fly"? People always warned me "the epidural is so painful" I looked at that anesthesiologist like he was the last piece of chocolate on earth (chocolate covered peanuts for those of you who know my addiction to those little treats...which Krissie actually brought to me while I was in labor). The pain of the epidural was nothing compared to the contraction I was having in the midst of the very very large needle entering my spine. Ah.... what a state of bliss I was in after that little cocktail kicked in. And I even had a little button I could press if I needed more....bonus!! I had the most amazing RN... Tracy. She had been called by the white house the week prior and was going to be heading to Haiti to help with relief work. I was able to rest after that nice concoction... my room was large and had big windows facing the Olympics. It was a beautiful, serene day and I was able to enjoy it with Rob and my family by my side (with a few tweaks of the epidural here and there).
After only about 20 min of pushing...and a scare of a possible c-section...our little angel came out a healthy 8lbs 3.8 oz and 21in long, making his debut at 6:39pm on 2/2/10. Nobody can prepare you for this moment in time. I felt as though the world around me had come to a stand still and all that surrounded me was Rob, Cameron and this love that came from depths of my soul that I didn't know existed until this moment.
We were in the hospital for 2 days. The RN would offer for Cam to go to the nursery at night, but Rob and I wanted him with us, as close to us as possible. I remember looking out my window those nights, the lights of downtown Seattle glowing, people going about with their busy lives and all that mattered to me was this little baby that we had brought in to the world. All the petty things that once mattered in life no longer existed. Never in my life had I felt closer to God and never had I believed more in miracles as I did at that moment.
Leaving the hospital was almost like an episode of the tv show, The Office. First of all, as we walked down the hall and left our room, I felt as though I was missing the manual that came along with our discharge instructions. They weren't even going to help us install the car seat?!
Thankfully my mom brought the car seat manual to the hospital for us. Getting in to the car was a bit surreal. Only 2 days earlier had we been in this garage parking our car, the two of us and now we were headed home to a whole new way of life... one in which we had no idea it would be so hard and so blissful at the same time. It was raining hard that day. There we are, our new little family... me in the back with Cam, crying because I am so emotional and so in love and Rob driving 40mph in the slowest lane (I don't think we had ever driven in the slowest lane prior to this and never had Rob driven under 70 mph on the freeway). We should have enjoyed that "slow lane" ride home because once we got home, there was no "slow" ride for us! We were headed home and Cameron was going to meet his brother Bailey. For the past 10 months we had been curious as to how Bailey would welcome our newest little addition to our family. He had been an only child for the past 10 years and had become accustomed to the lifestyle of being spoiled and having our undivided attention. My mom had taken Cam's blankie and hat home for Bailey to smell the night before and apparently he could have cared less about these things and was much more focused on how many cookies my mom was going to give him before we came home. Each time she comes over, Bailey sits in front of his cookie jar as he had her pegged from the beginning. Rob brought Cam through the door after I had given Bailey a new toy. Not only did he not pay any attention to Cam, he hardly acknowledged Rob or myself. He was too interested on attacking and tearing apart his new squirrel and making a huge mess.... in Cam's cute, clean nursery.
Thankfully my mom was staying with us for the next week. We could not have done it without her. She took care of us, helped us with Cam and took care of Bailey too. She needed a vacation after all the work she put in to helping us that week! From day one, I would cry at the thought of her leaving to go home (yes, I know, she only lives an hour away)! The day she left, you would have thought the world was coming down (yes, I was a bit emotional for those first couple of weeks after coming home). I only hope to be as fabulous of a mother as she is to me and to my sisters. I think the hardest part was thinking about her leaving. Because to my surprise, we did fine. We navigated our way through this complex, daunting and sweet time. We fed Cam, changed his diapers without too much of a mess, played with him and most of all loved him. His needs were pretty simple in his first waking hours of his life and I found that yes, we could be good parents and we could figure those questionable moments and my mom was always a phone call away (I think I called her about 10 min after she left, wanting to make sure she really had to go home). My sisters stepped in once my mom left. They made us dinners, would bring me fresh fruit and coffee in the morning while Rob was at work, bring fresh flowers and just be here for me through this crazy time of delirium and transition. More importantly they continue to shower Cam with more love than I could hope for. I couldn't ask for a better mom, sisters and best friends.
I was quite an emotional mess for the first 2 weeks. Nobody really tells you about the "baby blues". I was familiar with them from a clinical standpoint, and from patient's that I had seen, but when it comes to coping with it from a personal standpoint, it is another story. I googled and googled and googled it some more, read a few books and tried to normalize these emotions for myself. Like textbook definition, it went away after 2 weeks. It was similar to my nausea I had while pregnant (for a whole 17 weeks)...one morning I woke up and just felt "better". I was never truly "sad"...I would just find myself crying at different times during the day, in the shower, eating my dinner (and to make matters worse, I would have no control over this and wonder why in the world I was crying at a plate of spaghetti)! I think as women, we not only go through so many changes physically and emotionally throughout pregnancy, but we also forget that the transformations our bodies and minds have been through, post-partum are fairly remarkable. For the past 10 months, I had been an incubator for this little person inside me. My life revolved around growing, nurturing and creating this life. Our bodies physically change and by the end I know I was so ready to be "done being pregnant" and then you all of a sudden are "done" and for me, I missed it (If you asked me the day before giving birth if I would miss being pregnant, I would likely look at you like a crazy person and my expression on my face would be enough for an answer of "NO")! In a way, I think I was grieving the loss of being pregnant with Cam. I had gone from juggling my career which included 3 jobs to a full time job as a mom in a matter of a day and with no training. I realized (once I stopped crying) that I had not lost a piece of myself, but I had gained the piece that had always been missing. I don't think society talks about the baby blues enough and what women may experience after birth. It creates a feeling of guilt and shame for many new moms and can be isolating. 80% of moms experience the baby blues! And of course, I know this from my clinical experience and knowledge, but again, when it is your own story, it is hard to put the clinical hat on and convince myself that what I was experiencing was normal and just plain ok. Thankfully I have an amazing husband and a wonderful family and friends who provided me with support and love. I am not sure how those moms with no support system manage and I have deep found respect for them.
We celebrated Cam's 6 week birthday yesterday. I have learned so much in these past 6 weeks. First of all... hence my not completing this first blog post for 6 weeks... so much for my "I will have so much free time when I am on maternity leave" frame of mind! When asked "what did you do today"
Here is my typical response:
Fed Cam, changed him, changed him again because he peed all over himself, the wall or me, oops changed again because he pooped on his new diaper before I got it on, dressed him, changed his onsie because there is now poop on it as his feet got in to the poop and then on my hand and then on his onsie, oh, had to change his socks too because they are covered in poop as well. Played with Cam, which consists of reading, singing, making incredibly funny and nonsensical noises for him to smile at, became a professional photographer in the midst of this as I take hundreds of photos of him with the camera in one hand and Cam in the other, fed Cam, fed him again, pumped in between feedings, cleaned spit up off my shirt a few times, stopped caring what I smelled like or what I had on me by the 4th time, made myself some coffee, forgot I made it, re-heated it, did some laundry and tried to take a shower while Cam took a nap, made our bed, walked past the microwave and saw my coffee sitting in it waiting for me, had to re-heat it again, had a few sips of it and wished it was caffeinated, walked past my to-do list and laughed at it, let Bailey out since he has been whining to go out for the past 20 min, gave Bailey a few extra cookies because I felt badly for making him wait to go potty, soothed Cam and tried to convince him his nap time wasn't over aka mommy's break time wasn't over.... was not successful, picked him up and did the poopy dance all over again. Washed his bottles and pump, applied lotion for the 50th time as my hands have become so dry from my new role as a personal dishwasher.
That night I finally had a chance to drink my coffee at 9pm, asked Rob if he thought it was ok I was drinking my coffee from that morning... before we could both respond, we fell asleep.
Oh I do get a couple of walks in too...that is what kept my sanity those first few weeks. Nowhere in the book on how to be a mommy (I really do wish someone would have recommended that to me and that someone would have provided me with a manual of sort) did it ever tell you that breastfeeding alone would consume more time than a full time job! Nor did it tell you that at some point you would stop caring what your house truly looked like, who cares if there is that dust bunny in the corner, nor that it has been there for a week... the effort it would take to get up and try and vacuum was not worth the pleasure of 5 blissful minutes on the couch as your baby slept and you prayed he would stay asleep just long enough for you to take a few deep breaths, catch a few minutes of sleep or catch up on the latest edition of US or People Magazine.
Every single piece of my crazy day is worth it. Every piece of poop on me, every time I get showered with love from Cam (aka I get peed on), each middle of the night feeding where you just aren't sure you can stay awake for another minute while he finishes...all these bitter sweet moments have shown me my purpose...Not only is my identity as a wife, a sister, a daughter, friend, and social worker, but more importantly now as a mommy. I would give my soul for this little one and I have only known him for 6 weeks. He makes me giggle like a little girl, gives me butterflies like the first time you fall in love and brings sunshine to all of my days. I can't imagine life without him now.
The milestones that Cam has gone through in the past 6 weeks have been amazing to watch and be a part of. He changes everyday and the saying "they grow up quickly" holds true. He is starting to smile (and not just because of a poop) and responds to stimuli (aka my silly, ridiculous noises that make no sense to anyone but Cam). He loves his little stuffed Octopus and loves Bailey. He found Bailey’s barking quite funny the other day and provided me with minutes of entertainment watching the back and forth smiling and barking between the two. Bailey even jumped in to the bath tub with us when we were giving Cam a bath ( let me say that it normally takes us lots of bribing with peanut butter to get Bailey in to the bathtub for a bath). Cam loves, loves, loves his baths. He loves being warm (maybe has to do with the hour long hot showers I would take while pregnant)? He also likes having his hair washed (a boy after his moms own heart). He is learning about the finer things in life at a nice young age...a teaching from mommy that his daddy will appreciate at some point! Cam hiccups several times a day now and the best part is, he loves it. I now know what I was feeling those last few months of pregnancy when I felt as though there were mini earthquakes happening in there (on top of the party train on my bladder)!
We love this little guy more than life itself. Who knew, 16 years later, after meeting on that school bus, Rob and I would create our little baby that we love from such a deep place within. We used to say that our wedding night was the most magical and magnificent night of our lives... it takes second place to Cam's birthday now. My love for Rob grew tenfold the night Cam entered our world. To watch Rob as a father and to see how much Cam loves his Daddy is magical. Cam follows Rob with his eyes and loves to be held, played with and soothed by Rob. Not only does Rob take such careful and good care of our baby, he takes good care of mommy too and has provided his unconditional love and support to me throughout this time. To know and to understand that our love for each other created this little soul, is a feeling I can't even begin to put in to words and brings me to tears when I think about it (ok so I am still a little emotional/hormonal)...but it truly is a miracle! All the nausea, heart burn, exhaustion and swollen feet were well worth it and I would do it again.
I will try and keep you all updated on our weekly happenings. And of course post pictures. Now... back to my coffee that is waiting for me in the microwave.....
